Paradox of Self Esteem

We’re told that we don’t need anyone else to make us feel good about ourselves.  

To a certain extent, that’s true.
That’s also wrong.

You are a social being and live in-relation-to others.  

What we do affects others.  What we say affects them, as well. And what others say or do affects us.  Truly, unless you have some level of sociopathy, you do care what other people say/feel/think about you.

The trick, then for this Wednesdays With Wayne, is to choose whose influence you let in.  

Because I am more and more in the public eye, I have had a few “haters” and “trolls” online.  I keep my perspective and I don’t let their opinion matter. I filter those out and open to those whom I know have my best interest at heart.  

Who?  How?

As a high performer, I seek great coaching.  (Yes, high performers have coaches for the sake of perspective, guidance, and exceptional counsel.) Getting the advice and  counsel from someone who has run the miles, but done it differently, makes me better. When I’m better, I’m better for everyone else - my clients, my friends, my family.

In major league baseball, a player may have four or five coaches and a manager giving guidance and feedback (the rule is that a team may have up to seven coaches).  And they’re there for the subtle nuances that each can offer. When I taught martial arts, I would watch everything from the shifting of weight to the timing of breath.  A quarter-inch shift, literally a change in hip movement that’s smaller than the nail on your pinky finger, could make the difference in effective technique.

I have coaches, family members, and friends who believe in me.  Even though they don’t all understand everything I’m doing, they still think my path is pretty good and  my contributions matter. Each offers a perspective that I choose to let in… or not.  I don’t have people around me who question my trajectory. Rather, my coaches, family, and friends will offer insights and encouragement about next steps.  

Just a few days ago, I spent some time with a man who coaches the biggest public figures.  His perspective very gently kicked my behind. His coaching was direct and he let me know a few key areas I was off; way off!  That short time I spent with him could just be worth the entire year’s tuition to work with him because what he gave me changed me.  

He was direct.  And his advice and counsel matters.  He can see things I can’t. He prompted me to use new tools for my thinking and presentation style.  And I’ll be better because of it. Yes, he could have shut me down. He could have simply stopped at the point of telling me where I was off, but his aim wasn’t to shut me down.  It was to lift me up.

I know of some coaches who are simply there to say how great the other person is doing.  That seems like such a waste. None of us want or need naysayers squelching our dreams. Nor do we want or need empty praise from disengaged cheerleaders.   

What each of us wants and needs is to feel connected and to know that the work we do, and sometimes our simple presence, matters.  We need to see the outcomes and know we’ve made a difference in the lives of others.

And that’s where you come in.  While self-esteem is an internal job, an outside perspective from someone (you) telling someone else (friends, family, team members, or even service workers behind the counter) that they matter makes a huge difference.

You have the power to lift others and literally to make the world better simply by doing this:

• Let someone know that you see them and that you value who they are
• Remind them that they’ve made a difference
• Offer guidance if that’s appropriate - you’re not in a guidance-giving relationship with everyone.

Look, you’re here.  You matter and you have the power to make a bigger difference today.

I believe in you.

You have a responsibility to make your difference and to make your connection with others count.  See someone; really see them.  Then lift them a little today.  You have no idea the impact that a little nudge can do for someone else!

This is all part of you being a good human!

You’ve got this.  Now go be amazing!
Keep making your magic!!!

~ Dr P ~