I just got a great big lesson and I’m wondering if you get these too –
It’s so rare that this happens and yet, it seems that every time I get mad about the way I’ve been treated, I get it wrong. And then I say or do something that isn’t living from my best Self.
Deep down I KNOW that I’ve had an amygdala hijack. I’ve felt put-down, let-down, or shut-down. I’ve gotten my feelings hurt and I’m going to make sure the other person knows how I feel. And then, what comes out of me is just me being a poo-head. (That’s a technical term.)
It’s a loss of perspective.
We get it wrong when we lose perspective.
It’s just that simple. That’s why even the highest performers need coaches and advisors – for perspective. We get better when we have someone on the outside guiding us to our next level, a level that we can’t see.
In regaining perspective, we can look at triggers. What caused me to respond that way? I was struck by a message and misinterpreted the intent. The tone was askew and so my interpretation of the message’s meaning was off. I messed up by missing that the person sending the message was, in fact, a person of good intent.
The other person’s response to my feeling put-down and let-down was to feel shut-down. She didn’t understand the foundation of my upset. And, my response created triggers in her from her personal history with others. So, she reacted (instead of responding).
Curiosity was replaced with judgment.
We don’t know what the other person is going through. And, unfortunately, they don’t know what we’re going through.
I’ve made amends for messing up and missing the basic intent of her message. In Choosing Your Power, I talk about the need to stop apologizing for everything. The exception is, of course, when you make a transgression against someone else. Here, an apology was deserved and I’m grateful that it was accepted.
So remember this –
We’re all a little stressed.
We all get it wrong sometimes.
Now is the time for even more compassion.
That only comes with perspective. So, if you’ve felt put down, let down, or shut down by someone, take a breath. Then, take another. Think about what their intent truly was. Then, and only then, reflect on how you can live into and demonstrate coming from your best Self.
There will be days that you’ll get it wrong.